My entire Life

I decided a few years ago that being good at something isn’t for me. I have about average capacity to be good at most things – I did ok at school even though I was barely there, but not savant level good. Basically, I could be a good artist or a good scientist or a good storyteller. I just decided not to be.

Because what is the worth? I enjoy things, yes. I enjoy learning about ions, electro-magnetism, I enjoy drawing and painting, I enjoy reading and speculating about things, I love languages and I love inventing stories (although I normally only invent stories for me to masturbate to.) I like current events.

But my multiple likes do not create a guideline for my life. My perfectly able brain has not formed a path I can follow. Nothing really took, and even when it did seem like I was getting ok at something, it would lead to further inspection and criticism from the supervising adult – apparently pushing promising pupils is a common tactic, but I never welcomed the extra attention. When I was just average, dumb, no tongue in my head, all the people around me left me alone. Which was greatly preferable.

The people I encountered in fiction were a lot more accommodating. They didn’t ask me questions that I didn’t invent myself. They were brave, they were never mean. They didn’t make facial expressions that made me nervous. Their choice of words and the tone they used never made me confused or behind in the information.  I could mold them after I had finished the book or the game or the film I saw them in, fitting them to my mood, my needs. They only said things that were interesting and meaningful, and they never interrupted me when I was speaking. I could spend as much time with them as I liked, and because I was mainly watching, I never had to panic over how I would seem. I didn't fit myself into any persona that they could see through.

I never obsess over music in the same way I know some people do, not except when I am trying to fit in, but music became an important tool in helping me formulate the rooms inside my head. It helped me create emotionally elaborate worlds, deepening my connection there. Because I am only interested in music that makes my worlds more sensory, I ended up having a truly diverse music collection that I illegally downloaded. Because I had a 360 degree world which was full of emotional pulls that I had assembled on the very basis of what affected me and what didn’t, I would cry when listening to something. I would become enraged, or anticipating, or I would giggle with glee. All alone in my room, sitting at my desk in front of my itunes, I had a life abundant in meaning and emotion. Lying motionless in bed each night, I would go through each gesture that my imaginary friends would make in the pivotal conversations in their life, their facial expressions. Every night everything became more sculpted, more precise, the world so sharp it was almost physical.Trying to figure out the best way to link them all together.

Truthfully, a lot of the time I was coming up with the best sex scenes. Which scenario’s had the most erotic atmosphere, that would make me pant. I am not so attractive in real life, so my imaginary friends, who are almost certainly people I want to be, were all stunning, glamorous at all times. I am flabby, hairy in the wrong places, I constantly get colds, I have a big nose and bad skin. Every possible detail of female self-hate can be found on my body somewhere. So to imagine my skin as smooth and hairless, my hair voluminous, my teeth even and white. Better than anything.

So there I was. In my world of perfect me and malleable associates. I still don’t know what the real benefit of leaving it is. I still go there a lot, at night, when other people aren’t there to distract me. The real world is horrifically unmoveable and unfathomable. I still don't understand what people's criteria are for me pleasing them enough. 

My fantasy world was and is a huge part of my psyche, how I know how to act, to connect with real people. I have previously been described as a nerd, because of my preoccupation with characters from different shows. But nerd is too flippant, it indicates that it is the shows or the games themselves that I am interested by. And I do learn as much as I can about these things, because I find them interesting. But the target of my obsession isn't them, but what I can do with them myself.